Posted tagged ‘the situation’

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“Jersey Shore” Episode 4 Recap: Yawwwwn

August 25, 2010

This season is turning out to be pretty sucky. I could easily just recap the entire episode in one sentence: Sammi and Ronnie broke up but then got back together. But since there’s no fun in that, I’ll give you the whole shpiel.

The episode starts like all the rest, with the gang at some club. The other guys tell Ronnie how he’s president of the IFF. I have no idea what that stands for, but, since these guys act like they’re twelve, my guess is that IFF stands for the International Farting Federation. Anyway, Mike says how Sammi has no idea that Ronnie’s such a man-whore and that she’s being punk’d. Oh boy. Saying someone got punk’d is so 2003, which actually makes perfect sense. That’s when Grandpa Mike would have been 21, and it’s clear that he’s desperately trying to hold onto his youth. But he, and his receding hairline, can’t fool us.

The girls are at the house, and Snooki is inexplicably walking around with a teddy bear. So cute! Her gorilla juicehead Emilio calls her and says how he’s at a club with half-naked girls. Snooki gets mad and explains how all guys suck and that it’s no wonder the lesbian rate is going up. Uh huh.

❤ ❤ ❤

Tanny Bug Eyes then asks Snooki and J-WOWW if Ronnie’s doing anything behind her back. They get really awkward and look at each other but don’t say anything. Any normal person would realize that this means yes. But Sammi is pretty slow. Though she gets a little suspicious, she still trusts Ronnie 100%. We then see Ronnie at the club dancing with some tranny-looking Asian version of Jocelyn Wildenstein. To each his own. (more…)

Categories: MTV's "Jersey Shore"
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“Jersey Shore” Episode 3 Recap: Snooking for Love in All the Wrong Places

August 18, 2010

This episode begins where the last when left off; Angelina is being the most annoying drunk person ever. She’s crying in front of Mike and Pauly and just making an idiot of herself. All the commotion wakes up J-WOWW, who looks like she’s ready to eff a bitch up. Fortunately for Angelina, J-WOWW takes pity because she’s so drunk.

That morning, Vinnie, Ronnie, and J-WOWW head over to the gelato shop for their first day of work. J-WOWW complains that the shirt they have to wear is too tight and that her boobs are suffocating. She then struggles to simply scoop the ice cream into a cone. In what should come as a surprise to absolutely no one, though, J-WOWW has no trouble giving a customer a milkshake.

Later on, Vinnie complains how he hasn’t gotten a good haircut since getting to Miami. Um, hello? It’s only been like 3 days, right? Anyway, he and Ronnie decide to go to a ghetto barber shop. As they walk through the hood, a part of me hopes they get mugged. But no such luck. They get their haircuts and rave about how good the ghetto barbers are. Meanwhile, they both look exactly the same.

Still looks like a douche...

Now it’s the time that we’ve all been waiting for. Sammi gives us the update about her and Ronnie! She explains that things are really good right now and he’s being so nice and understanding. Yeah, you just keep thinking that, Tanny Bug Eyes. We all know you’re just gonna be crying about him in a few minutes. Well, everyone knows except for you.

Ten minutes into the episode, we get our first glimpse of Ms. Snooki. Don’t the producers know that she’s the only reason people watch this show? Seriously, cut out all the dumb scenes of the Sammi/Ronnie drama and Angelina being grumpy and just show more Snooki. Everything she does is adorable. By the way, did you all catch her new makeover? (more…)

Categories: MTV's "Jersey Shore"
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“Jersey Shore” Episode 2 Recap: Tranny Shops, Dirty Chicken, and Gelato

August 11, 2010

This was by far the most boring episode of “Jersey Shore.” Sammi and Ronnie fought and made up several times. Mike once again demonstrated his prowess in the kitchen. Angelina was a drunken bitch. Snooki was just adorable. That’s pretty much all that happened. There wasn’t much to work with, but hopefully this review will be more entertaining than the show itself.

Episode 2 begins with the guys going back to the house after Ronnie spent the night creeping. They’re sitting around talking about the night’s events. I honestly have no idea what they’re saying. Maybe it’s because they were drunk, or maybe it’s because I’m not fluent in guido. But seriously, go watch the first few minutes and tell me if you understand anything they say. Eventually we learn that Ronnie plans on getting into bed with Sammi, even though he spent the night making out with other girls. Vinny tells us he’s speechless…as usual. Pauly announces that Ronnie has a new nickname, but every time anyone says it, it gets bleeped out.

"HULK SMASH....RONNIE SMUSH"

Anyway, how does Mike feel about all this? “The whole situation, it’s a bad situation.” Wow, he really can’t go one sentence without mentioning that word. Meanwhile, Ronnie tells us that he had a “Shnookie” night, meaning he got so drunk he forgot what he did. It amazes me how these idiots still can’t say her name right. Maybe she should wear that stupid hat with her name on it more often. (more…)

Categories: MTV's "Jersey Shore"
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“Jersey Shore” Episode 1 Recap: Two Girls One Creep

August 4, 2010

“Jersey Shore” made its trashtastic return to our televisions last week, and it was just as entertaining as expected. So, if you didn’t see the Season 2 premiere, saw it and want to read about it, or just ended up here because you googled “jwoww tits,” you’ve come to the right place. On a side note, I seriously debated whether I should even recap this season. Despite its title, this show now has our favorite group of New Yorkers living it up in Miami and not in New Jersey. However, I just have too much fun analyzing these idiots.

I bet they left behind an oil slick rivaling that in the Gulf...

So here we go. The episode starts with some loser who calls himself “The Situation” giving us a recap of the previous season. He explains that there were a lot of fights, hookups, and drama. As we all know, Mike the Sitch wasn’t involved in any fights or hookups, but girlfriend sure caused a lot of drama. We then hear from Vinny, who contributes nothing constructive (in typical Vinny fashion).

But after his little spiel, our girl Snooki comes on. She explains how they had so much fun together last time, they had to do it again. Of course, she left out the part about MTV exploiting their shenanigans and giving them tons of money in return, but let’s let Snooki think that it’s all in her hands. Anyway, Snooki then exclaims “We’re coming to Miami!” My thoughts? Too bad 75% of the Golden Girls are dead; a crossover special would have been incredible. (more…)

Categories: MTV's "Jersey Shore", Reviews
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MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Review: Episode 3

December 14, 2009

On this most recent episode of what will be seen for generations to come as the best show ever, we see TWO relationships break up, we lose a roommate (don’t worry – it’s a person no one cared about anyway), and Mike continues to be a pathetic jerk!

This episode begins the next morning after that fateful night at Bamboo, where Sammi hooked up with Ronnie, J-WOWW cock-teased Pauly, and the guys got thrown out. So J-WOWW asks what happened last night, and they tell her she made out with Pauly. Pulling the typical slut move, she denies everything at first. When the guys make clear to her that she did, she employs the other tried-but-not-true slutty tactic – blaming everything on alcohol.

Meanwhile, the most overly tanned and STD-infected love triangle in history (Sammi, Mike, and Ronnie) heads to work. Mike then tells us how The Situation is under control because he has soooo many other girls to choose from. Sammi’s more accurate take? Mike is still very jealous of her and Ronnie. In yet another awesome move, Sammi tells Mike to his face that she doesn’t like him like that. You can see the exact point where these words hit him. Sammi then asks Ronnie what she would do without him. His reply? “Be with that guy,” as he points to Mike. Hahahahha.

"The Situtation isn't used to this kind of situation where The Situation gets rejected."

A little later, we see Ronnie asking J-WOWW for relationship advice. Yeah, when I need advice about anything, the first person I look to for help is someone with huge implants who doesn’t know how to spell wow. But they just make fun of Mike, so it’s ok. Then, in a desperate cry for attention, Snooki walks around the house sucking on a pickle. (more…)

Categories: MTV's "Jersey Shore"
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