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This past Thursday night, MTV’s “Jersey Shore” premiered with two hour-long episodes, and, though I hate to admit it, the show far surpassed my expectations.  It perfectly captured the essence of the guido lifestyle at the Jersey Shore.  At the same time, it introduced the Armpit of America, and the rest of the country, to the eight dumbest people to ever reside in our state.  It is now my pleasure to introduce these guidos and guidas (or guidettes, as they call themselves on the show) to anyone unfortunate enough to have missed the premiere:

First up, Pauly.  I supposed I should introduce him by his full name, DJ Pauly D, which is a lot cooler than plain old Pauly.  He owns a tanning bed and gets hair gel by the case.   He apparently dreams of being the ultimate guido.  His other aspiration is to be a world-famous DJ.  Well, with a name like DJ Pauly D, I can’t imagine a job he’d be better suited for.

DJ Pauly D

Age: 29

From: Johnston, Rhode Island

We then meet Nicole, who goes by the nickname “Snooki” for reasons that have yet to be explained.  Snooki’s only goal in life is to find and marry a guido.  With her tall black hair and artificially tan skin, she looks more like a jack-o-lantern with an Elvira wig than an actual person.

Nicole (Snooki)

Age: 21

From: Marlboro, New York

The next wannabe celebrity we meet is Mike, also known as “The Situation.”  Now, it’s bad enough to have a stupid nickname (like DJ Pauly D or Snooki).  What’s even worse is when people refer to themselves in third person.  Now imagine someone with an incredibly dumb nickname who refers to his nickname in third person.  That is Mike.  Mike is a douche.

Mike (The Situation)

Age: 27 (Don’t let the receding hairline and premature wrinkles fool you into thinking he’s older)

From: Staten Island, New York

Sammi, who goes by “Sweetheart” (what, did MTV tell them each to come up with a dumb nickname for themselves?) has a lot in common with Snooki.  Just like the Elvira-lantern, Sammi is looking for the perfect guido.  She also describes what it means to be a guidette, like taking care of yourself by going tanning.  Uh, Sweetheart?  Training your body to develop skin cancer is taking care of yourself?

Sammi (Sweetheart)

Age: 22

From: Hazlet, New Jersey

Next up at the plate is Vinny, who describes himself as a mama’s boy.  One minute in his introduction video, he’s pumping his fist, the next minute, he claims he’s not the typical guido.  Right.  Although he does go out of his way to mention that he doesn’t wear lip gloss.  I didn’t even know guys did this.

Vinny

Age: 21

From: Staten Island, New York

After Vinny, we are introduced to a nice pair of breast implants and their owner, Jenni.  Continuing the dumb nickname theme, Jenni prefers to be called “J-WOWW.”  Yes, J-WOWW.  All capitals and the extra “W.”  J-WOWW brags about being a slut and compares herself to a female mantis in the way she treats guys.  Then she says how she has a boyfriend.  Oh, J-WOWW, you’re too much!

Jenni (J-WOWW)

Age: 23

From: Franklin Square, New York

Then, we meet Ronnie, who shamelessly mentions how he just wants to get laid.  Although he brags about what a man he is, this roided up freak then puts on some lip gloss.  Wow (or should I say “J-WOWW””?), what a loser.  Anyway, he says the Jersey Shore is all about the three “b’s”: beer, bitches, and the beach.  Can’t argue about that.

Ronnie

Age: 23

From: The Bronx, New York

Finally, we meet the eighth roommate, Angelina, who’s nickname is ingeniously “Jolie.”  Angelina considers herself to be the Kim Kardashian of the Jersey Shore.  While that may sound ridiculous, it is actually the smartest thing I’ve heard in these introductions.  Angelina and Kim Kardashian are both talentless losers trying to sleep their way to the top of the entertainment industry!

Angelina (Jolie)

Age: 22

From: Staten Island, New York

Now that the introductions are out of the way, let’s jump right into the first two episodes. (more…)