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MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Episode 5

January 3, 2010

This episode begins with the aftermath of the infamous punch. Once it happens, a bunch of guys (and even J-WOWW) start punching the douche who hit Snooki. It is important to note that Mike, who witnessed the whole thing, had no part in the lynching of that asshole. Girlfriend probably didn’t want to break a nail. Anyway, the cops soon arrive and arrest the douche, as he says, “I didn’t do anything!”

We then take a trip into the bathroom, where Sammi and J-WOWW are trying to comfort Snooki. Vinny, who has been missing since the first episode, reappears on the show…in the girls’ bathroom. Being the sensitive guy, he joins the ladies in stroking Snooki’s hair and telling her she’ll be okay. Snooki is just concerned about whether she lost any teeth or not. A part of me wishes she did, just so her jack-o-lantern look would be complete.

Meanwhile, Ronnie and Pauly are outside blowing off steam and trying to make sense of the night’s events. And what is Mike up to? As everyone is concerned about Snooki, he’s desperately trying to pick up a girl. What a pathetic situation.

The rest of the group explains how Mike pretty much instigated the whole thing. You see, for some reason, he was buying the douche and his friends some shots. (Maybe he was tired of getting rejected by all the girls and thought he’d try something different?) So Snooki was just telling the douche to buy his own drinks, and that’s why he hit her.

The next day, Ronnie’s family comes to visit. His father and brother seem pretty normal, but his mother is a typical bitchy Italian princess. She just sits there with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth and says that she’d rather be tanning. Snooki tells us that his family is “funny and cute – just like Ronnie!” Right. Anyway, Ronnie introduces his family to Sammi, and they all go on the boardwalk together. We see more of the blossoming relationship between the two, which continues to bore me to death.

I'd be a little cranky too if that thing came out of my vagina...

Later on, Snooki and J-WOWW go out for drinks, except Snooki can’t actually drink, thanks to her busted up face. Back at the house, she gets a call from the police, saying that the douche who hit her was released on bail. She starts freaking out, so J-WOWW comforts her the only way she knows how. She asks Snooki, “Wanna go tanning?” (more…)

Categories: MTV's "Jersey Shore"
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MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Episode 4

December 19, 2009

On this very special episode of “Jersey Shore,” Snooki gets punched in the face. But, before that, 57 minutes of boring stuff happens!

We continue where last week’s episode ended – Ronnie leaves the club after seeing Sammi give another guy her number. And then Sammi leaves because someone told her Ronnie went home with J-WOWW. So Ronnie goes into the house and does what any recently humiliated and pissed off roid-head would do: he takes off his shirt and then cries into a pillow.

When Sammi gets home, she and Ronnie start screaming at each other. This is interspersed with Sammi’s confessional, where she says they are simply going through the normal stages of a relationship – it starts off nice and everything, then they get too comfortable, and then things get rough. Umm…they’ve only know each other for like 5 days now? Anyway, the two of them talk and cry and talk and cry and bore me to death.

"...you go tanning without me, you leave the cap off my lip gloss..."

I’d never think I’d be happy to hear from Mike, but the situation (the events surrounding Sammi and Ronnie, not Mike himself) is so dull right now (well, he‘s pretty dull too). I can always count on him to say something entertaining. He doesn’t disappoint as he brags about all the girls he brings home, even though he has yet to actually get with any of them. Just so we’re clear, all the girls that he does convince to go back to the house are more attracted to the cameras following him around than his abs.

We then see Mike and Pauly in the hot tub with two random girls. They soon take the girls to their bedroom, where they pair up and start making out right next to each other. As Pauly so eloquently tells us, he can’t have sex with his girl because she’s on her period. Then, Mike’s girl ditches him because she doesn’t want her mother to see her being a slut. His response? “Chill out, Freckles McGhee!” Such brilliant wit, that guy has! (more…)

Categories: MTV's "Jersey Shore"
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MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Review: Episode 3

December 14, 2009

On this most recent episode of what will be seen for generations to come as the best show ever, we see TWO relationships break up, we lose a roommate (don’t worry – it’s a person no one cared about anyway), and Mike continues to be a pathetic jerk!

This episode begins the next morning after that fateful night at Bamboo, where Sammi hooked up with Ronnie, J-WOWW cock-teased Pauly, and the guys got thrown out. So J-WOWW asks what happened last night, and they tell her she made out with Pauly. Pulling the typical slut move, she denies everything at first. When the guys make clear to her that she did, she employs the other tried-but-not-true slutty tactic – blaming everything on alcohol.

Meanwhile, the most overly tanned and STD-infected love triangle in history (Sammi, Mike, and Ronnie) heads to work. Mike then tells us how The Situation is under control because he has soooo many other girls to choose from. Sammi’s more accurate take? Mike is still very jealous of her and Ronnie. In yet another awesome move, Sammi tells Mike to his face that she doesn’t like him like that. You can see the exact point where these words hit him. Sammi then asks Ronnie what she would do without him. His reply? “Be with that guy,” as he points to Mike. Hahahahha.

"The Situtation isn't used to this kind of situation where The Situation gets rejected."

A little later, we see Ronnie asking J-WOWW for relationship advice. Yeah, when I need advice about anything, the first person I look to for help is someone with huge implants who doesn’t know how to spell wow. But they just make fun of Mike, so it’s ok. Then, in a desperate cry for attention, Snooki walks around the house sucking on a pickle. (more…)

Categories: MTV's "Jersey Shore"
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MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Episode 1 & 2

December 5, 2009

This past Thursday night, MTV’s “Jersey Shore” premiered with two hour-long episodes, and, though I hate to admit it, the show far surpassed my expectations.  It perfectly captured the essence of the guido lifestyle at the Jersey Shore.  At the same time, it introduced the Armpit of America, and the rest of the country, to the eight dumbest people to ever reside in our state.  It is now my pleasure to introduce these guidos and guidas (or guidettes, as they call themselves on the show) to anyone unfortunate enough to have missed the premiere:

First up, Pauly.  I supposed I should introduce him by his full name, DJ Pauly D, which is a lot cooler than plain old Pauly.  He owns a tanning bed and gets hair gel by the case.   He apparently dreams of being the ultimate guido.  His other aspiration is to be a world-famous DJ.  Well, with a name like DJ Pauly D, I can’t imagine a job he’d be better suited for.

Pauly: Age 29, Staten Island, NY

DJ Pauly D

Age: 29

From: Johnston, Rhode Island

We then meet Nicole, who goes by the nickname “Snooki” for reasons that have yet to be explained.  Snooki’s only goal in life is to find and marry a guido.  With her tall black hair and artificially tan skin, she looks more like a jack-o-lantern with an Elvira wig than an actual person.

Nicole (Snooki)

Age: 21

From: Marlboro, New York

The next wannabe celebrity we meet is Mike, also known as “The Situation.”  Now, it’s bad enough to have a stupid nickname (like DJ Pauly D or Snooki).  What’s even worse is when people refer to themselves in third person.  Now imagine someone with an incredibly dumb nickname who refers to his nickname in third person.  That is Mike.  Mike is a douche.

Mike (The Situation)

Age: 27 (Don’t let the receding hairline and premature wrinkles fool you into thinking he’s older)

From: Staten Island, New York

Sammi, who goes by “Sweetheart” (what, did MTV tell them each to come up with a dumb nickname for themselves?) has a lot in common with Snooki.  Just like the Elvira-lantern, Sammi is looking for the perfect guido.  She also describes what it means to be a guidette, like taking care of yourself by going tanning.  Uh, Sweetheart?  Training your body to develop skin cancer is taking care of yourself?

Sammi (Sweetheart)

Age: 22

From: Hazlet, New Jersey

Next up at the plate is Vinny, who describes himself as a mama’s boy.  One minute in his introduction video, he’s pumping his fist, the next minute, he claims he’s not the typical guido.  Right.  Although he does go out of his way to mention that he doesn’t wear lip gloss.  I didn’t even know guys did this.

Vinny

Age: 21

From: Staten Island, New York

After Vinny, we are introduced to a nice pair of breast implants and their owner, Jenni.  Continuing the dumb nickname theme, Jenni prefers to be called “J-WOWW.”  Yes, J-WOWW.  All capitals and the extra “W.”  J-WOWW brags about being a slut and compares herself to a female mantis in the way she treats guys.  Then she says how she has a boyfriend.  Oh, J-WOWW, you’re too much!

Jenni (J-WOWW)

Age: 23

From: Franklin Square, New York

Then, we meet Ronnie, who shamelessly mentions how he just wants to get laid.  Although he brags about what a man he is, this roided up freak then puts on some lip gloss.  Wow (or should I say “J-WOWW””?), what a loser.  Anyway, he says the Jersey Shore is all about the three “b’s”: beer, bitches, and the beach.  Can’t argue about that.

Ronnie

Age: 23

From: The Bronx, New York

Finally, we meet the eighth roommate, Angelina, who’s nickname is ingeniously “Jolie.”  Angelina considers herself to be the Kim Kardashian of the Jersey Shore.  While that may sound ridiculous, it is actually the smartest thing I’ve heard in these introductions.  Angelina and Kim Kardashian are both talentless losers trying to sleep their way to the top of the entertainment industry!

Angelina (Jolie)

Age: 22

From: Staten Island, New York

Now that the introductions are out of the way, let’s jump right into the first two episodes. (more…)

Categories: MTV's "Jersey Shore", Reviews
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MTV’s “Jersey Shore”

November 17, 2009

After years and years of forgoing the music that made the network famous and showing lowbrow reality programs in its place, MTV has unsurprisingly decided to continue that trend. This time, they are offering us a new trashy reality show, “Jersey Shore.” Since it takes place in the Armpit of America, the show will certainly provide a new level of trashiness to a network that revels in it.

MTV is no stranger to the Jersey Shore, having filmed a couple “True Life” episodes and other specials in the area. But, this is the network’s first series that takes place solely in the Garden State (Unfortunately, MTV repeatedly ignored my letters suggesting they film a season of “The Real World: Ho-Ho-Kus”). So, once a week, the world will get to experience the fun and filth of the shore.

People all across the country will also see first hand the unique habits of the Jersey Shore Guido. For those lucky enough to be unacquainted, let me explain. Jersey Shore Guidos are these Italian-American roided-up jerks with spiky hair who migrate from Staten Island and Brooklyn down to the shore each summer. Their numbers quickly multiply, and they soon take over the area. They are often seen foraging around the dirtiest bars and clubs pumping their fists to stupid techno music and looking for mates. Though they will often hit on anything with a vagina (except in instances where they are caught in the middle of a “bromance”), they prefer the Guida – an Italian-American princess characterized by her overly tan skin, poofy hair, and implants. Both sexes of the species have dumb accents and bad attitudes.

I offered this sea gull $20 to crap on a Guido. His response? "Heeelllll no!! I aint going near those dirty mother fuckers!" True story.

Now that you know what a Jersey Shore Guido is, you can understand my concern about this show. MTV is now glorifying them and their lifestyle. Since MTV is somehow still relevant, innocent children will see these antics and emulate them – creating more Guidos than ever before. Even worse, MTV will likely influence the opinion of people throughout the country that everyone in my beloved/hated state talks with a New York accent and pumps their fists in the air. So the negative images and stereotypes of New Jersey will spread even further, making my job of changing people’s minds about the state even harder.

Despite all this, I can’t friggin wait for December 3rd, when the show premieres. Although it is likely to portray New Jersey and the shore in a negative light, I’m convinced it will still be pretty entertaining. In a train wreck sort of way, of course. And I look forward to seeing where the show will take place and the various locations the cast will go to – so I know which places to avoid. But what I really can’t wait to see is these smug idiots getting put in their place. In fact, I’m starting to think that MTV’s goal is to make these people look as ridiculous as possible. Watch the preview below and you’ll see what I mean:

Upon viewing this promo for the first time, I seriously thought it was a joke and not a real commercial. Especially since the narrator actually uses the word “Guidos.” Guido was originally a derogatory term and often deemed a racist insult against Italians. However, these clowns seem oblivious to this history and seem to take being called a Guido as a symbol of pride. Between the hair gel, fake tans, and fist pumping, MTV has completely set up these idiots, who have no idea that there will be plenty of people making fun of their hair gel, fake tans, and fist-pumping ways. And I’m pretty convinced the network had this planned all along. I never thought I’d say this, but maybe there’s more to MTV than previously thought?

I’m sure there are plenty of my fellow New Jerseyans who are upset about this show, but you shouldn’t be. For one, it will hopefully be clear that the fame-whores on “Jersey Shore” are New Yorkers and not natives of the state. Also, by all appearances, MTV will be portraying them, and not the shore itself, in a negative light. Finally, if the show makes the shore look really bad, it will only turn more people away in the summer, letting us real New Jersey residents enjoy our summers a lot more.

Categories: Jersey Shore
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