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The Weekend Before Presidents Day Weekend in Atlantic City

April 8, 2010

Wordpress won't let me put up any pictures of the event. Perhaps that's for the best....

It’s been far too long since I’ve written about one of my escapades in Atlantic City.  Well that drought is gonna end right now.

My latest trip was over a month and a half ago, but I have good reason for not writing about it until now.  You see, that last visit was for a bachelor party.  Now that the couple is happily married and have returned from their honeymoon, I figure this entry will do the least amount of damage to their marriage.

That fateful night began the same way any trip to AC does: taking the long ride down the Garden State Parkway to the Armpit of America’s city of sin.  This time, I was going to the Tropicana, Atlantic City’s Cuban-themed hotel and casino.  Its interior is made up of cobblestone flooring, an artificial blue sky ceiling, and a bunch of high-end, expensive clothing stores – just like the real Havana!

After arriving, I met up with the rest of the group.  Being the most familiar with AC, they asked where I thought we should eat.  This being a bachelor party and all, I suggested Hooters, which seemed to please everyone.  Admittedly, I had never been to a Hooters before, so I was pretty excited about going.

It turned out to be such a let down.  I was always under the impression that the waitresses were supposed to be all flirty and everything.  Ours turned out to be a dud.  Looks-wise, I’d say she was slightly above average.  Personality-wise?  Total failure.  As for the food, that was just as disappointing.  But the beer was good. (more…)

Categories: Atlantic City
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Top 5 New Jersey Towns With Stupid Names

April 1, 2010

Because you can never have too many hyphens...or hos...

New Jersey is home to almost 9 million people, all of whom are crammed into the state’s many cities and towns.  These municipalities have a wide variety of names.  Some are named after historical figures.  A lot are named after places in Britain.  A few even get their names from the Armpit of America’s original Native American inhabitants.  Whatever the case may be, some of these town names are pretty damn stupid.

1) Ho-Ho-Kus – Not quite Hoboken, not quite Hocus Pocus, Ho-Ho-Kus is probably the weirdest name of any town in New Jersey, if not the entire country.  Though the experts aren’t sure whether the name is derived from Dutch or a Native American language, they are sure that it is a bastardization of a word from one of these languages.  The various theories say that the name originally meant “running water,” “oak trees,” or “gray fox.”  However, the most widely accepted definition of Ho-Ho-Kus is “stuck up rich people living in a town with a stupid name.”

2) West New York – This town is in a tie with Kansas City, Missouri for having the most confusing name.  Despite having the words “New” and “York” in the title, West New York is in New Jersey.  Sure, it’s right across the Hudson River from Manhattan, but still.  As much as its residents try to make people think that they don’t live in the Armpit of America, they can’t deny the geography.  On a side note, the one person I know from West New York is a total douche. (more…)

Categories: Top 5
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Top 5 Bruce Songs About New Jersey

March 9, 2010
I wish my Jew-fro looked half as good as that...

Are we sure he's not Jewish?

A few weeks ago, I created a list of what I consider the top 5 songs about the Armpit of America. Noticeably absent from that list were songs by Bruce Springsteen. Since the patron saint of New Jersey has written so many songs about the state, it would be impossible to pick just one. So I made this list of the top 5 Bruce Springsteen songs about New Jersey.

1. Born to Run – Perhaps the most famous of all Bruce’s songs, Born to Run takes us into a world of motorcycle-riding punks looking for love and a way to escape from this horrible state. Now you may be wondering why I would include a song that is so obviously about getting the fuck out of New Jersey (especially with lines like “Baby this town rips the bones from your back / It’s a death trap, it’s a suicide rap / We gotta get out while we’re young / ‘Cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run“). But, as anyone who has ever lived in this state knows, wanting to get the hell out of here is part of the whole Jersey experience.

2. Rosalita (Come Out Tonight) – In this fun little song, Bruce sings about the trouble a guy has trying to get the girl of his desire to go out with him. Though he pleads and pleads to get her to come out (to meet up with characters like Jack the Rabbit, Weak Knees Willie, and Sloppy Sue) Rosalita refuses, since her parents don’t approve of her rock-n-rolling suitor. Our hero refuses to give up, though, and explains to the girl that a record company just gave him “a big advaaaancceeee!!!” At this point, the narrator forgets about convincing Rosie to hang out with local hooligans and, instead, he’s dead set on getting the fuck out of New Jersey. Especially since someone slashed his tires, rendering his car “a dud, stuck in the mud, somewhere in the swamps of Jersey.” Though we don’t know if he was successful in ever getting Rosalita out of her room, it sure is fun watching him try. (more…)

Categories: Music, Top 5
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How does the Jersey Shore feel about "Jersey Shore"?

February 19, 2010

The “Jersey Shore has certainly caused a lot of controversy.  Love it or hate, there are few people in this country who aren’t aware of it.  Hell, even my out-of-touch mother knows all about Snooki and The Situation.

While I admittedly enjoyed the show, it does bring light to the problem of trashy out of staters coming to the Jersey Shore and making the lives of us locals completely miserable.  One of the readers of this blog (by the way, you can sign up at the right to get an e-mail whenever i write a new post!) left a very poignant and well written comment about those trashy guidos and guidettes.  Rather than leaving it buried in the Armpit of America archives, I wanted to post it up front and center so everyone can see it.

Whoever you are, thanks for speaking what all of us true Jerseyans are thinking!

To Armpitofamerica,

I want to set the record straight about the Jersey Shore. Since these MTV people invaded our shores, it has put such a bad light on New Jersey. I am so very sad, as I was born and raised at the Jersey Shore. I can honestly tell you that parts, (that the guidos and tourists know nothing about) are absolutely beautiful and pristeen. There are bays, rivers, streams, camping, canoeing, tubing, and clean beaches which we and our children have beautiful memories from. I will not reveal where these places are as so those “types” won’t trash it like Seaside, or what us locals refer to it as “Sleazside”.

We let our teens work on the boardwalk and saw so much human garbage there, we pulled them out, never letting them work there again. The things we’ve seen, made the quidos and quidettes look like choir singers. Trust me, 90% of the people that spend the summers there are not Jersey Shore residents. First there is no room to breathe, and 2nd, we cannot afford the crappy $5.00 hot dogs  $10.00 drinks and $15.00 a day parking. Who needs it! They come from North Jersey and out of state looking for a good time and not care what or who they hurt to get it. Yeah, lets pee on this guys lawn, ah throw the beer can anywhere we don’t care! Not to mention the rise in crime. We relish mid September to reclaim our beaches again until another dreaded summer comes. Thanks tourists.

I admit,I would never live in the large cities of New Jersey as I said before most of them are transplants and bring their garbage with them making the Garden State the reputation it has. But if you go to some of the small towns with good hard working people who love to fish and crab and boat, canoe, and tend their famous Jersey tomatoes and corn on their day off, and with our hometown parades with flags flying, you would see just how beautiful small town America can be. No it’s not corny, it’s true. And I’m proud of that.

Categories: Jersey Shore, MTV's "Jersey Shore"
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MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Last Episode!!!

January 28, 2010

Just like summer itself, the first season of “Jersey Shore” has flown by. I can’t tell you what a relief it is that this will be the last episode review I’ll have to write for a while. Not that I don’t love spreading the word about latest goings on with Snooki and the rest, but I look forward to not devoting 20 hours a week towards this show. All that being said, I will have at least one more “Jersey Shore” related post coming up in the next couple weeks. Stay tuned!

Now that that’s all out of the way, let’s jump right in to our last episode. It begins where the previous episode left off – Ronnie getting arrested. Sammi explains how horrible she feels and that she can’t believe it and doesn’t know what to do. I say you should dump the creep, sister! Anyway, the girls are wondering how they can get Ronnie out of jail. Snooki offers to call 911, but Sammi explains to her that 911 is only for emergencies. Silly pumpkin!

In case you haven't noticed, I love posting this pic!

So Snooki calls the local police office instead, and she is told that Ronnie will be held overnight and can be released on bail at 6:30 AM. Sammi then whines about how this will be the first night she has to sleep alone. Please. Instead of worrying that her boyfriend with the perfectly coiffed hair and ever-present tube of lip gloss is going to get raped in the slammer, she’s only concerned about herself. What a selfish bitch. As she points out, though, it’s already 3:30, so he’ll only be there another 3 hours.

At 8:00 in the morning, the phone rings nonstop, but no one answers it. Finally, Sammi gets up and tells us that she heard the phone ringing but was waiting for someone else to answer it. The princess (Sammi, not Mike) eventually gets up and then goes to the slammer to pick Ronnie up. He tells us, “I feel like a lowlife for going to jail, and I don’t belong there!” Let’s see. Ronnie is somewhat abusive to his girlfriend, can’t control his anger, has been involved in several fights, and has now been arrested. I think that qualifies him as a lowlife. What do you all think????

Enough with the Sammi/Ronnie bullshit, Little Miss Diva needs her turn in the spotlight! We see Mike talking with Vinny and Pauly about finding some girls to hang out with over Labor Day weekend, their last weekend in the house. Mike gets on the phone calling all of the girls he knows, and – surprise – none of them answer. Since no girl is interested, he suggests the three of them have a guys’ night out. Something tells me this was his plan all along… (more…)

Categories: MTV's "Jersey Shore"
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