Posted tagged ‘snooki’

A Sad Day in New Jersey

February 14, 2012

Today, the body of Whitney Houston was flown back to her home city of Newark, New Jersey.  And to coincide with her funeral on Saturday, Governor Chris Christie has ordered all flags to be flown at half-mast in honor of her passing.  How sad is that?  I mean, really.  She was a singer at best and a drug addict at worst.  Does this deserve the rare honor usually reserved for military people and our state’s former governors?  You know, people who actually did stuff to serve and protect the state and country?

I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but I just think the whole thing is a bit excessive.  Though she grew up in the Armpit of America, she hasn’t lived here since she became famous.  So why is Christie calling her such an icon and giving her this rare distinction?  Especially for someone who spent the last decade of her life addicted to Bobby Brown and crack. Sure, she was a talented singer, but does that automatically pardon her poor life choices?

What worries me is the precedent this action sets up – if we have to fly the flags at half-mast for every dead crackhead from Newark, the American flag may never fly at full mast in New Jersey ever again.

In other sad news from North Jersey, the city of Hoboken decided not to allow MTV to film Snooki and J-WOWW in a spinoff of “Jersey Shore.”  Instead, the show will be filmed in Jersey City.  I could care less.  Yes, that’s right.  I’m over “Jersey Shore.”  Five seasons in, the show has completely lost the luster of its first season.  Gone is the fun and goofy group we came to know.  Instead, we have a bunch of millionaires trying to outdo each other to get more screen time and more endorsements.

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Top 5 Blog Posts of 2011

December 30, 2011

Tired of all those stupid, pointless lists every single website has been needlessly churning out all this week?  Me neither.  Here are my favorite things I’ve written this past year, in no particular order.

1) The Most Surprising Thing I’ve Ever Seen in New Jersey – Come along as I uncover a little known event in New Jersey – a farm animal auction.  You’ll see a cardboard box full of roosters, miniature horses, and an Amish auctioneer.

2) My Latest Obsession: Teresa Guidice – This past year, I got hooked on Real Housewives of New Jersey.  And what was it that drew me in?  The crazy-eyed train wreck that is Teresa Guidice.

3) ArmpitNJ.com Exclusive: Snooki’s First Draft! – Snooki became a best-selling author this year, but all the credit should go to her ghost writer.  I managed to get my hands on Snooki’s original draft for A Shore Thing.

4) Killer Klowns from Outer Space: A Review – Sure, the movie doesn’t really have anything to do with New Jersey.  But it was so krazy I couldn’t resist writing about it.

5) No Escape from “Escape from New Jersey” – What better way to spend a night than playing a drinking board game?  This simple game just proves that there really is no escape from the Armpit of America.

La Costa de Jersia Andere a Italia (or The Jersey Shore Goes to Italy)

August 16, 2011

America’s favorite overpaid, overexposed, and overdone white tan trash 20-somethings are back!  And in Italy!  Because it wasn’t enough that the rest of the country had to hate New Jersey, now the show gives reason for the rest of the world to hate the U.S!

So why Italy?  You know, because everyone in the cast always brags about how Italian they are.   Despite half of them having last names like Farley, Ortiz, and Pivarnick or having an Italian name but being of Chilean ancestry.  Whatever.  I’m Jewish and I’m confident that I know more about Italian culture than even the real Italian members of the cast do.

"Watch out, Italy, you's about ta get smushed!"

Now let’s check in and see what our favorite guidos and guidettes have been up to, and what they hope to get out of their free trip to Italy: (more…)

Who Would You Kick Out of New Jersey?

July 10, 2011

As much as I love New Jersey, even I’ll admit that there are a lot of assholes in this state.  The Armpit of America would definitely be a lot less stinky if certain people were to leave and never come back.  Any reader of this blog shouldn’t have too much trouble figuring out who I would like to kick out of New Jersey forever.  (HINT: His name rhymes with Miss Misty.)  But I want to know who you’d like to banish.

Below you’ll find some of the Garden State’s most famous and polarizing characters.    So let me know your thoughts by choosing who you would want to get rid of.  If your choice isn’t listed here, share your choice by leaving me a comment.

My Latest Obsession: Teresa Giudice

June 21, 2011

Move over Snooki, there’s a new ghetto Italian bitch in my life. Her name is Teresa Giudice (pronounced Jew-dice), from Bravo’s “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.” If you’ve never watched that show, you’re missing out. It’s a lot like “Jersey Shore,” only the episodes actually have plots rather than the regular formula of drink, fight, hook up, and repeat. I only started watching Real Housewives a couple of weeks ago, but I wish I’d been there all along. Once you start watching, I’m sure you’ll be just as intrigued as I am by the obvious star of the show, Ms. Giudice.

Just like Snooki, Teresa is quite interesting to look at. While she shares Snooki’s orange skin and big, dark hair, Teresa’s got something that little Snooki doesn’t. Crazy eyes. Seriously. Look at those things:

They’re like two hockey pucks so far apart it seems like they’re trying to escape her face. Indeed, it’s those very eyes that have me so smitten. It’s certainly not the rest of her body – her skin is so orange and wrinkly, she looks much older than she really is. And it’s not her personality. Teresa comes across as a self-centered and ignorant bitch. But there’s something about those eyes. I guess it’s the whole train wreck analogy – they’re so ugly that I can’t look away. And for some reason, she puts so much makeup around her eyes that you can’t help but be drawn to them anyway. (more…)

Jersey Shore Season 3 Recap

April 9, 2011

I had originally intended to recap each and every episode of MTV’s groundbreaking and highly influential show. However, I gave up half-way through the second season, which took place in Miami despite being called Jersey Shore. I apologize, but I’m sure you understand. As we all know, each episode was pretty much the same. Sammi and Ronnie fight and make up. Vinny, Pauly D, and Mike “The Situation” hook up with as many girls as possible. Angelina starts shit with everyone. J-WOWW dresses like a slut. Snooki does something adorable.

For the third season, the gang was back whoring it up in Seaside Heights. Though the season started out strong, it soon fizzled out. It’s sad, but these people have become caricatures of themselves and no longer seem that interesting. Even sadder, they are all celebrities now and make more in one year than I’ll probably make in my lifetime. All that aside, the show is still pretty entertaining. But if you haven’t been keeping up with it, let me fill you in on who/what went down this season (along with some great artwork by Jennifer Herd of bite.ca).

J-WOWW and Snooki

"Is that a lightsaber in your pocket, or are you just happy to see us?"

Everyone’s favorite pickle-loving best-selling author (check out her first draft!) is still on her quest to find the perfect guido. Though Snooki makes no attempt to hide her feelings for her cast-mate Vinnie, there’s always some kind of drama keeping those two apart. Aside from the early episode where she got arrested for being drunk at the beach, our girl Snooks was pretty low-key this season. (more…)

ArmpitNJ.com Exclusive: Snooki’s First Draft!

March 6, 2011

In what should come as a surprise to absolutely no one, Snooki didn’t really write her much publicized debut novel, A Shore Thing.  Rather, she employed the use of a ghostwriter to do the grunt work for her.  So how much input did Snooki actually have in the book that credits her as the author?

We now know the answer.  Thanks to an old friend over at Simon & Shuster, I’ve got my hands on the only copy of Snooki’s original manuscript.  And I’m happy to share it with all of you.

Enjoy! (more…)