Posted tagged ‘snooki’

The Puzzling Jersey Shore Puzzle

May 12, 2012

Let’s face it – puzzles are boring.  And if there’s one thing worse than doing a puzzle, it’s reading about someone else doing a puzzle.  Except when the puzzle in question is a 300-piece portrait of the cast of Jersey Shore!

Things started out easy enough – I did the border first, just as they teach you in puzzle class.  But when it came to putting the cast together, I ran into some serious problems.  Why, you ask?  Well, it’s pretty difficult trying to figure out which piece belongs to which person when they all have shiny orange skin, manicured nails, and way too much jewelry:

So, I had to continue working from the outside in; it was easier to follow the grain in the wall and the pattern of the carpet than to determine whose orange leg or greasy hair belonged to whom. The clothes helped a bit in putting these idiots together – purple dress for Sammi, leopard print for Deena, overly stretched out black pleather for Snooki.

Eventually everything came together and I was almost done with my masterpiece. I just had a few more pieces to fit in before I could call this puzzle finished.

After figuring out where to put Snooki’s wonky eye:

Pauly D’s scalp:

J-WOWW’s tits:

and Deena’s sexy cankle:

I have a finished puzzle!

Update from the Garden State

April 12, 2012

Yep, it’s been a while.  Between starting a new job, moving, and some other stuff, I haven’t been able to blog as much as I’d like.  So this entry will hopefully make up for the past few months of neglect.

As stated three seconds ago, I got a new job. It’s in Middletown, Armpit of America, only 10 minutes from the town I grew up in, in a building I’ve driven past hundreds of times.  Around the time I was being considered for this job, I was also interviewing for a position in Pennsylvania. Though I was kind of excited about the prospect of leaving this state once and for all, I got an offer from the place in Middletown and never heard back from the Pennsylvania job.  Apparently, there really is no escape from New Jersey.

After a brief stint back home, with an enjoyable 10 minute commute, I moved back to Belmar.  Rather than another beachfront apartment, I’m now in a quaint little cottage in a quieter part of town.  It’s definitely more conducive to writing, so I hope to blog more frequently.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s catch up with some of my favorite New Jersey personalities.

Chris Christie has his highest approval ratings yet, despite being proven to be a liar.  While this might seem to be a paradox, it just proves that New Jersey has a love affair with corrupt politicians.

Snooki is pregnant.  While she claims her boyfriend Gianni is the father, I wouldn’t be surprised if the baby comes out with a receding hairline and a smug, undeserved sense of accomplishment.

Bruce Springsteen is touring again. I tried to get tickets but – surprise! – Ticketmaster screwed me over.  On the bright side, since I couldn’t see Bruce last week, I went to Video Games Live instead!  It was amazing!  They have an orchestra performing music from video games – it’s actually a lot cooler than it sounds.  Maybe.

During the show, they played the music from Castlevania and brought out the woman who composed the original soundtrack for the game. Who looked like she was 20, despite the fact that the game came out in 1986. She must be undead just like the characters in the game.  Anyway, it turns out that this women recently moved from Japan to New Jersey. Why anyone would do that is beyond me.

One more update – I’m actually going to Japan! While I wish I could say it’s to investigate why Kinuyo Yamashita left her home country for the Armpit of America, it’s more of a vacation.  But maybe it will inspire to bring back my old State Vs. State (or country) feature. Maybe.

A Sad Day in New Jersey

February 14, 2012

Today, the body of Whitney Houston was flown back to her home city of Newark, New Jersey.  And to coincide with her funeral on Saturday, Governor Chris Christie has ordered all flags to be flown at half-mast in honor of her passing.  How sad is that?  I mean, really.  She was a singer at best and a drug addict at worst.  Does this deserve the rare honor usually reserved for military people and our state’s former governors?  You know, people who actually did stuff to serve and protect the state and country?

I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but I just think the whole thing is a bit excessive.  Though she grew up in the Armpit of America, she hasn’t lived here since she became famous.  So why is Christie calling her such an icon and giving her this rare distinction?  Especially for someone who spent the last decade of her life addicted to Bobby Brown and crack. Sure, she was a talented singer, but does that automatically pardon her poor life choices?

What worries me is the precedent this action sets up – if we have to fly the flags at half-mast for every dead crackhead from Newark, the American flag may never fly at full mast in New Jersey ever again.

In other sad news from North Jersey, the city of Hoboken decided not to allow MTV to film Snooki and J-WOWW in a spinoff of “Jersey Shore.”  Instead, the show will be filmed in Jersey City.  I could care less.  Yes, that’s right.  I’m over “Jersey Shore.”  Five seasons in, the show has completely lost the luster of its first season.  Gone is the fun and goofy group we came to know.  Instead, we have a bunch of millionaires trying to outdo each other to get more screen time and more endorsements.

Top 5 Blog Posts of 2011

December 30, 2011

Tired of all those stupid, pointless lists every single website has been needlessly churning out all this week?  Me neither.  Here are my favorite things I’ve written this past year, in no particular order.

1) The Most Surprising Thing I’ve Ever Seen in New Jersey – Come along as I uncover a little known event in New Jersey – a farm animal auction.  You’ll see a cardboard box full of roosters, miniature horses, and an Amish auctioneer.

2) My Latest Obsession: Teresa Guidice – This past year, I got hooked on Real Housewives of New Jersey.  And what was it that drew me in?  The crazy-eyed train wreck that is Teresa Guidice.

3) ArmpitNJ.com Exclusive: Snooki’s First Draft! – Snooki became a best-selling author this year, but all the credit should go to her ghost writer.  I managed to get my hands on Snooki’s original draft for A Shore Thing.

4) Killer Klowns from Outer Space: A Review – Sure, the movie doesn’t really have anything to do with New Jersey.  But it was so krazy I couldn’t resist writing about it.

5) No Escape from “Escape from New Jersey” – What better way to spend a night than playing a drinking board game?  This simple game just proves that there really is no escape from the Armpit of America.

La Costa de Jersia Andere a Italia (or The Jersey Shore Goes to Italy)

August 16, 2011

America’s favorite overpaid, overexposed, and overdone white tan trash 20-somethings are back!  And in Italy!  Because it wasn’t enough that the rest of the country had to hate New Jersey, now the show gives reason for the rest of the world to hate the U.S!

So why Italy?  You know, because everyone in the cast always brags about how Italian they are.   Despite half of them having last names like Farley, Ortiz, and Pivarnick or having an Italian name but being of Chilean ancestry.  Whatever.  I’m Jewish and I’m confident that I know more about Italian culture than even the real Italian members of the cast do.

"Watch out, Italy, you's about ta get smushed!"

Now let’s check in and see what our favorite guidos and guidettes have been up to, and what they hope to get out of their free trip to Italy: (more…)