MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Episode 4

Posted December 19, 2009 by armpitnj
Categories: MTV's "Jersey Shore"
Tags: , , , , ,

On this very special episode of “Jersey Shore,” Snooki gets punched in the face. But, before that, 57 minutes of boring stuff happens!

We continue where last week’s episode ended – Ronnie leaves the club after seeing Sammi give another guy her number. And then Sammi leaves because someone told her Ronnie went home with J-WOWW. So Ronnie goes into the house and does what any recently humiliated and pissed off roid-head would do: he takes off his shirt and then cries into a pillow.

When Sammi gets home, she and Ronnie start screaming at each other. This is interspersed with Sammi’s confessional, where she says they are simply going through the normal stages of a relationship – it starts off nice and everything, then they get too comfortable, and then things get rough. Umm…they’ve only know each other for like 5 days now? Anyway, the two of them talk and cry and talk and cry and bore me to death.

"...you go tanning without me, you leave the cap off my lip gloss..."

I’d never think I’d be happy to hear from Mike, but the situation (the events surrounding Sammi and Ronnie, not Mike himself) is so dull right now (well, he‘s pretty dull too). I can always count on him to say something entertaining. He doesn’t disappoint as he brags about all the girls he brings home, even though he has yet to actually get with any of them. Just so we’re clear, all the girls that he does convince to go back to the house are more attracted to the cameras following him around than his abs.

We then see Mike and Pauly in the hot tub with two random girls. They soon take the girls to their bedroom, where they pair up and start making out right next to each other. As Pauly so eloquently tells us, he can’t have sex with his girl because she’s on her period. Then, Mike’s girl ditches him because she doesn’t want her mother to see her being a slut. His response? “Chill out, Freckles McGhee!” Such brilliant wit, that guy has! Read the rest of this post »

Comments: 1 Comment

State vs. State: Delaware

Posted December 16, 2009 by armpitnj
Categories: State vs. State
Tags: , , , ,

I’m unveiling a new feature on the Armpit of America today: State vs. State. In these entries, I’ll be comparing New Jersey to another state in our great country to show you why New Jersey is better. While it may be difficult to convince you that New Jersey is better than some states, like Hawaii (which isn’t a real state anyway), others will be a lot easier, like Mississippi (who the hell would want to live there?).

For my first State vs. State entry, I’ll be comparing New Jersey to our frenemy to the south, Delaware.

I know some of you are already asking, “Dela-where?” This is completely understandable. For those unfamiliar, Delaware is a sliver of a state bordered on the north by Pennsylvania, the west and south by Maryland, and the east by Delaware Bay and the Atlantic Ocean. As a matter of fact, in 1787, Delaware became the first state to join the union, a fact that its residents can’t stop bragging about. Maybe if something – anything – interesting had happened in Delaware over the last 200 years, they would have something else to brag about.

In case you didn't know, DELAWARE WAS THE FIRST STATE!!!!

Say what you will about New Jersey, at least the state has an identity (albeit, the Armpit of America). Sure, people cringe when you tell them you’re from New Jersey. But I think it’s better for someone or something to have a bad reputation than no reputation at all. A common joke anyone from New Jersey is bound to hear when asked where they are from is, “You’re from New Jersey? Which exit?” Though playing on the assumption that the state is nothing but highway, at least this is a great conversation starter. When people hear that someone is from Delaware, that usually kills the conversation. Read the rest of this post »

Comments: 19 Comments

MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Review: Episode 3

Posted December 14, 2009 by armpitnj
Categories: MTV's "Jersey Shore"
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

On this most recent episode of what will be seen for generations to come as the best show ever, we see TWO relationships break up, we lose a roommate (don’t worry – it’s a person no one cared about anyway), and Mike continues to be a pathetic jerk!

This episode begins the next morning after that fateful night at Bamboo, where Sammi hooked up with Ronnie, J-WOWW cock-teased Pauly, and the guys got thrown out. So J-WOWW asks what happened last night, and they tell her she made out with Pauly. Pulling the typical slut move, she denies everything at first. When the guys make clear to her that she did, she employs the other tried-but-not-true slutty tactic – blaming everything on alcohol.

Meanwhile, the most overly tanned and STD-infected love triangle in history (Sammi, Mike, and Ronnie) heads to work. Mike then tells us how The Situation is under control because he has soooo many other girls to choose from. Sammi’s more accurate take? Mike is still very jealous of her and Ronnie. In yet another awesome move, Sammi tells Mike to his face that she doesn’t like him like that. You can see the exact point where these words hit him. Sammi then asks Ronnie what she would do without him. His reply? “Be with that guy,” as he points to Mike. Hahahahha.

"The Situtation isn't used to this kind of situation where The Situation gets rejected."

A little later, we see Ronnie asking J-WOWW for relationship advice. Yeah, when I need advice about anything, the first person I look to for help is someone with huge implants who doesn’t know how to spell wow. But they just make fun of Mike, so it’s ok. Then, in a desperate cry for attention, Snooki walks around the house sucking on a pickle. Read the rest of this post »

Comments: 6 Comments

Why Gay Marriage Should Be Allowed in NJ

Posted December 8, 2009 by armpitnj
Categories: politics
Tags: , , , , ,

The state legislature of New Jersey will vote this week on whether or not to make gay marriage legal in the Armpit of America. Last night, the New Jersey Senate’s Judiciary Committee voted 7-6 in favor of legalizing gay marriage. The measure will go before the entire senate this coming Thursday. Should it pass that round, the vote would then go to the State Assembly. If it passes there, it would end up on lame duck Governor Corzine’s desk, and he has vowed to sign this bill.

I, for one, hope it passes. Though I am by no means a gay rights activist, and my life will continue just as before if the bill doesn’t get passed, I simply don’t see any reason why two men or two women shouldn’t be given the same rights that us straight people have. If a completely wasted couple that just met in Las Vegas can walk into a chapel and get legally married, why can’t two women or two men that have decided to devote their lives to each other have that same privilege?

I have another reason for hoping New Jersey allows gay marriage. If it does, it would certainly make the Armpit of America a better place. Think about it. Should New Jersey grant homosexuals the right to marry, our state would likely see an influx of gays and lesbians. And when the gays and lesbians come to town, good things happen. Don’t believe me? Just look at Asbury Park. What was once a trashy, run-down ghetto, our gay brothers and sisters have transformed into a center of high culture. What were once decrepit old restaurants are now exotic fusion cuisine eateries. What was once a sleazy pawn shop is now a high-end clothing boutique. And let’s not forget about those decaying Victorian houses throughout the town that the lesbians and gays (with their unrivaled carpentry and decorating skills) have restored to their former glory.

Now if our homosexual friends can transform Asbury Park like that, imagine what they could do for the rest of the state. And if they can make New Jersey just a little more fabulous, we might finally break free of our bad reputation. Well, probably not, but it’s worth a try.

If gay marriage is allowed, New Jersey will be the sixth state in the country to make it legal. We would be in good company with several other liberal, northeastern states – Massachusetts, Connecticut, Vermont, and New Hampshire. The other state allowing gay marriage? Iowa. Yes, that middle of America state known for its farm folk and not much else allows gay marriage. New Jersey, are we really gonna let a state like Iowa outdo us on this? If we don’t act know, who knows, maybe other backwater states like Kansas or West Virginia will beat us to it as well. Aside from that, New York recently shot down its gay marriage bill. So now is our chance to outshine our bigger, more popular neighbor.

The vote to legalize gay marriage in New Jersey is pretty urgent. In about a month, Jon Corzine will leave office and Chris Christie will take over as governor. Corzine pledged to sign the bill should it reach his desk. Christie vowed to veto any such bill once he’s in office. So, hopefully our legislature will make the right decision. It will be the first step in improving the Armpit of America, and it would let the disgraced Corzine leave us with something more to remember him by than that embarrassing car crash.

Comments: 3 Comments

MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Episode 1 & 2

Posted December 5, 2009 by armpitnj
Categories: MTV's "Jersey Shore", Reviews
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

This past Thursday night, MTV’s “Jersey Shore” premiered with two hour-long episodes, and, though I hate to admit it, the show far surpassed my expectations.  It perfectly captured the essence of the guido lifestyle at the Jersey Shore.  At the same time, it introduced the Armpit of America, and the rest of the country, to the eight dumbest people to ever reside in our state.  It is now my pleasure to introduce these guidos and guidas (or guidettes, as they call themselves on the show) to anyone unfortunate enough to have missed the premiere:

First up, Pauly.  I supposed I should introduce him by his full name, DJ Pauly D, which is a lot cooler than plain old Pauly.  He owns a tanning bed and gets hair gel by the case.   He apparently dreams of being the ultimate guido.  His other aspiration is to be a world-famous DJ.  Well, with a name like DJ Pauly D, I can’t imagine a job he’d be better suited for.

Pauly: Age 29, Staten Island, NY

DJ Pauly D

Age: 29

From: Johnston, Rhode Island

We then meet Nicole, who goes by the nickname “Snooki” for reasons that have yet to be explained.  Snooki’s only goal in life is to find and marry a guido.  With her tall black hair and artificially tan skin, she looks more like a jack-o-lantern with an Elvira wig than an actual person.

Nicole (Snooki)

Age: 21

From: Marlboro, New York

The next wannabe celebrity we meet is Mike, also known as “The Situation.”  Now, it’s bad enough to have a stupid nickname (like DJ Pauly D or Snooki).  What’s even worse is when people refer to themselves in third person.  Now imagine someone with an incredibly dumb nickname who refers to his nickname in third person.  That is Mike.  Mike is a douche.

Mike (The Situation)

Age: 27 (Don’t let the receding hairline and premature wrinkles fool you into thinking he’s older)

From: Staten Island, New York

Sammi, who goes by “Sweetheart” (what, did MTV tell them each to come up with a dumb nickname for themselves?) has a lot in common with Snooki.  Just like the Elvira-lantern, Sammi is looking for the perfect guido.  She also describes what it means to be a guidette, like taking care of yourself by going tanning.  Uh, Sweetheart?  Training your body to develop skin cancer is taking care of yourself?

Sammi (Sweetheart)

Age: 22

From: Hazlet, New Jersey

Next up at the plate is Vinny, who describes himself as a mama’s boy.  One minute in his introduction video, he’s pumping his fist, the next minute, he claims he’s not the typical guido.  Right.  Although he does go out of his way to mention that he doesn’t wear lip gloss.  I didn’t even know guys did this.

Vinny

Age: 21

From: Staten Island, New York

After Vinny, we are introduced to a nice pair of breast implants and their owner, Jenni.  Continuing the dumb nickname theme, Jenni prefers to be called “J-WOWW.”  Yes, J-WOWW.  All capitals and the extra “W.”  J-WOWW brags about being a slut and compares herself to a female mantis in the way she treats guys.  Then she says how she has a boyfriend.  Oh, J-WOWW, you’re too much!

Jenni (J-WOWW)

Age: 23

From: Franklin Square, New York

Then, we meet Ronnie, who shamelessly mentions how he just wants to get laid.  Although he brags about what a man he is, this roided up freak then puts on some lip gloss.  Wow (or should I say “J-WOWW””?), what a loser.  Anyway, he says the Jersey Shore is all about the three “b’s”: beer, bitches, and the beach.  Can’t argue about that.

Ronnie

Age: 23

From: The Bronx, New York

Finally, we meet the eighth roommate, Angelina, who’s nickname is ingeniously “Jolie.”  Angelina considers herself to be the Kim Kardashian of the Jersey Shore.  While that may sound ridiculous, it is actually the smartest thing I’ve heard in these introductions.  Angelina and Kim Kardashian are both talentless losers trying to sleep their way to the top of the entertainment industry!

Angelina (Jolie)

Age: 22

From: Staten Island, New York

Now that the introductions are out of the way, let’s jump right into the first two episodes. Read the rest of this post »

Comments: 8 Comments

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