No Gay Marriage in the Armpit of America

Posted January 7, 2010 by armpitnj
Categories: politics
Tags: , , ,

Today, the New Jersey State Legislature finally had their vote on whether same-sex marriage should be allowed in the Armpit of America.  And the result was a disappointing “no.”  This result was pretty much expected, but it’s still upsetting that the state squandered this chance to do something revolutionary and long overdue.

Like I said the first time I wrote about this subject, my life will go on as normal.  But, for our Garden State gays and lovely lesbians, things are pretty bad.  Our government just denied them a right to marry who they love.  My sincerest condolences to those whose dreams were crushed today.

One picture that has been plastered all over the media features a man with a sign saying, “‘NO GAY MARRIAGE’ – GOD!”  Yes, I’m sure God’s priority is to keep two men or two women from getting the rights that any straight couple can get.  That and making sure Snooki from “Jersey Shore” is okay.

So does that mean that God is okay with a man and a woman getting drunk in Vegas and getting married?  Why should that be allowed?  Half of all marriages end in divorce anyway, so why can’t everyone have the opportunity to take that 50% chance of spending the rest of their life married to someone they love?  I think God would be pretty upset that a group of 20 state senators denied thousands of people a basic human right.

Today, 20 state senators voted against equality.  Today, New Jersey got a little less fabulous.

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New Jersey Personalities: Cory Booker

Posted January 5, 2010 by armpitnj
Categories: NJ Personalities
Tags: , , ,

Newark. Most people consider it the shittiest of shitholes. Between its traffic, gangs, pollution, and all-around ghettoness, this city represents the worst of the Armpit of America. But, there is at least one bright spot: its mayor.

Cory Booker has been mayor of Newark since 2006, and, in that short period of time, he has accomplished a lot. Within his first 100 days, he increased the city’s police presence, expanded youth programs, and made it easier for former criminals to get jobs. He also miraculously lowered property taxes in Newark. Even more impressive, since taking office, the crime rate in Newark has dropped dramatically (murders and rapes are down over 40%!), the amount of affordable housing has greatly increased, and the city has received over $100 million in private donations.

Mayor Booker’s leadership hasn’t gone unnoticed. Upon taking office, Obama tapped him to be the head of the White House Office of Urban Affairs Policy. Remarkably, Booker turned it down in order to stay focused on his beloved city. Wow. Who in their right mind would turn down a comfy, high-paying leadership job in DC to stay in the Newark? I guess Cory Booker would.

Booker got even more national attention this past September, when he and Conan O’Brien got into a little spat. After Conan made a little joke at the mayor’s expense, Booker banned Conan from Newark Liberty Airport. In my opinion, never having to set foot in that airport would be more of a reward than a punishment. Anyway, Booker and Conan have since settled their dispute, with the latter making a $500 donation every time he jokes about Newark.

Another recent event has once again put Mayor Booker in the spotlight. On New Year’s Eve, a woman contacted Booker through Twitter and asked him to help her 65 year old father shovel snow. So what does the mayor do? Within twenty minutes, he shows up at the guy’s house to shovel the driveway! Unbelievable.

Say what you want about New Jersey and our politicians, but there are some exceptions to the rule, with Cory Booker being the most obvious. What the hell has the mayor of Cincinnati done for anyone lately? And would the mayor of Miami drop whatever he was doing on New Year’s Eve to shovel snow for someone? And don’t even get me started on the mayor of Eugene, Oregon….

On behalf of the city of Newark and the state of New Jersey, I’d like to thank Mayor Cory Booker for a job well done. You, sir, have helped me in my quest to prove that the Armpit of America isn’t so bad after all.

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MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Episode 5

Posted January 3, 2010 by armpitnj
Categories: MTV's "Jersey Shore"
Tags: , , , , ,

This episode begins with the aftermath of the infamous punch. Once it happens, a bunch of guys (and even J-WOWW) start punching the douche who hit Snooki. It is important to note that Mike, who witnessed the whole thing, had no part in the lynching of that asshole. Girlfriend probably didn’t want to break a nail. Anyway, the cops soon arrive and arrest the douche, as he says, “I didn’t do anything!”

We then take a trip into the bathroom, where Sammi and J-WOWW are trying to comfort Snooki. Vinny, who has been missing since the first episode, reappears on the show…in the girls’ bathroom. Being the sensitive guy, he joins the ladies in stroking Snooki’s hair and telling her she’ll be okay. Snooki is just concerned about whether she lost any teeth or not. A part of me wishes she did, just so her jack-o-lantern look would be complete.

Meanwhile, Ronnie and Pauly are outside blowing off steam and trying to make sense of the night’s events. And what is Mike up to? As everyone is concerned about Snooki, he’s desperately trying to pick up a girl. What a pathetic situation.

The rest of the group explains how Mike pretty much instigated the whole thing. You see, for some reason, he was buying the douche and his friends some shots. (Maybe he was tired of getting rejected by all the girls and thought he’d try something different?) So Snooki was just telling the douche to buy his own drinks, and that’s why he hit her.

The next day, Ronnie’s family comes to visit. His father and brother seem pretty normal, but his mother is a typical bitchy Italian princess. She just sits there with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth and says that she’d rather be tanning. Snooki tells us that his family is “funny and cute – just like Ronnie!” Right. Anyway, Ronnie introduces his family to Sammi, and they all go on the boardwalk together. We see more of the blossoming relationship between the two, which continues to bore me to death.

I'd be a little cranky too if that thing came out of my vagina...

Later on, Snooki and J-WOWW go out for drinks, except Snooki can’t actually drink, thanks to her busted up face. Back at the house, she gets a call from the police, saying that the douche who hit her was released on bail. She starts freaking out, so J-WOWW comforts her the only way she knows how. She asks Snooki, “Wanna go tanning?” Read the rest of this post »

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Christmas in Atlantic City

Posted December 31, 2009 by armpitnj
Categories: Atlantic City, Personal
Tags: , , , ,

Atlantic City. Just those words conjure up such a mix of emotions for me, and likely, a lot of other people. I always get excited when the opportunity arises to take that drive down the Garden State Parkway to the poor man’s Las Vegas. Whenever I leave the city, though, I am full of regret, disappointment, and disgust.

It’s like I’m in an abusive relationship. The Atlantic City lures me down with promises of lavish gifts. I go and then get punched around, lose my money, lose my hope, and lose my lust for life. When I can finally pull myself away from the casino, I feel dirty and taken advantage of. I vow never to return; doing so would just make me a sadomasochist. A couple months later, Atlantic City will send me flowers (or actually just some coupons promising me five bucks in slot money) and I’ll come running back into its abusive arms. This past Christmas was no different.

You may be surprised that I would want to spend my Christmas in such a disgusting place. Don’t worry, I’m Jewish. Christmas is just a free day off from work for me and an excuse to eat Chinese food. For the last few years, it has also been an excuse to go down to Atlantic City with a bunch of Jews for Christmas Eve. As a matter of fact, I spent Halloween there too. Yeah, maybe I have a gambling problem. Read the rest of this post »

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Top 5 Pretentious Restaurants in New Brunswick

Posted December 22, 2009 by armpitnj
Categories: Food, New Brunswick, Top 5
Tags: , , , ,

Mmmm...pretentious...

Here’s yet another new feature for all of you – my Top 5 lists!

As you can tell, my first subject is pretentious restaurants in New Brunswick (New Brunswick the city in New Jersey, not that Canadian state province).

For those who have never been to New Brunswick, my former and current place of residence, the city has quite an interesting culinary scene. As New Brunswick is home to Rutgers, the State University of the Armpit of America, there is no shortage of cheap, unhealthy food geared towards college students – like the Grease Trucks and a countless number of pizza places.

On the other hand, New Brunswick offers plenty of more exotic options, like a couple Middle Eastern places and no less than two Jamaican restaurants. Oddly enough, there aren’t any of those casual chains, like Chilis, Applebees, and Fridays within the city limits (though there is a Qdobas and a Chipotle right across from each other). But what New Brunswick lacks in name brand restaurants, it more than makes up for with plenty of overpriced, snobby, and pretentious dining options:

5. Old Man Rafferty’s – I’m sure putting this on the list won’t make me any additional friends. Though Old Man Rafferty’s is a staple in New Brunswick, this place is more hype than substance. While I admit the food is good, it’s about the same quality and selection you can find at an Applebees or Houlihans (though a lot more expensive). Whatever your thoughts on it may be, people just love this place. But is the standard 45 minute wait you’ll almost always encounter worth it? I don’t think so. So let those parents visiting their children at college go to Old Man Rafferty’s, and everyone else can and should go somewhere else.

4. Daryl Wine Bar and Restaurant – Admittedly, I’ve never been to this place. But it just oozes pretentiousness. First of all, who the hell opens a wine bar in a gritty college town? Secondly, on their logo, the “y” in Daryl is shaped like a wine glass. Uh, sorry to burst your bubble, Daryl, but New Brunswick’s beloved CLYDZ already had that idea and executed it a lot better than you! Anyway, a look at Daryl’s website just confirms its pretentiousness. Rather than showing a room full of people happily drinking and eating away, the main image is of an unwelcoming, stark, and empty dining room full of stiff, high-backed white chairs.

As for the food, it seems just as unappealing. The menu appears to be typical of many expensive, fancy restaurants – small selection, even smaller servings, and exuberant prices. The menu tries to go out of the way to talk up the food, with offerings like Bershire Pork Loin (the fuck does that mean?), Wild Caught Cod (putting “wild caught” in front of “cod” doesn’t make it any more appetizing), and Australian Sea Bass (I guess Daryl is too good for the more standard Chilean variety). Read the rest of this post »

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